I'm Fine
by Quallianmaghouin
Summary: Kurt forgets his medication. He's Fine. Really.  part of the Breathe!verse, Kurt has panic attacks, and is dating Puck. set in an alternate, vague, season 2
1. Chapter 1

"What's wrong with you?" Finn asked, dumping his duffel bag on the small twin bed. His (sort of mostly) brother was flopped on the other, face down in hotel room blanket.

The fact that Kurt had a mouthful of possibly not very clean polyester and wasn't bitching was Finn's first clue that something wasn't right. The second clue had been Kurt sitting quietly with Matt on the bus ride back from the recital instead of in the back with Puck, celebrating their victory like everyone else (or, at least like the other couples. And Brittany and Santana, which was kind of weird)

Kurt lifted his head, staring up at Finn, his mouth pressed into a tight line.

Finn blinked.

Kurt sighed and rolled over.

"Dude. Seriously." He reached over, lifting a limp arm and letting it flop back down.

"I just don't feel good." Kurt muttered, tucking his arm out of Finn's reach.

Finn resisted the urge to check Kurt's temperature by feeling his forehead. The smaller boy really didn't like being touched unexpectedly and he had a feeling he'd used up his 'unexpected touches' already.

But Kurt was acting strange. And not panic attack strange, which was strange enough. They had just won the recital...even though technically there weren't any winners, it was obvious that they had showed up the other groups, and would totally beat them at sectionals...and that was entirely not the point. Finn wished his brain would shut up sometimes.

The point was everyone was jazzed up and putting together a mini party on the rooftop patio, and Kurt should be happy, and groping Puck...not that he wanted his brother and Puck groping each other. Instead Kurt was staring at the wall, looking like someone had run over his cat. Or ruined his shirt.

"Do you need aspirin or something? Should I get Mr. Schue" Finn stepped in front of Kurt before sitting down, and slowly reached out to touch Kurt's shoulder.

Kurt recoiled. "I'm fine."

Which was Kurt speak for 'I'm totally not fine.' Finn had gotten pretty good at decoding his brother's language.

"Is it a panic attack? Do you want Puck? I can check as see if you have Ballad."

Ballad, of course, was the purple duck that Brittany had given Kurt, and Kurt refused to admit he sometimes hugged when he wasn't feeling good.

Kurt glowered. "I did not bring that stupid duck. and I told you. I'm. Fine."

"You're not fine!" Finn replied, maybe shouting, just a little bit. But that was 2 "fine"s in less than 5 minutes.

"Will you calm down!" Kurt answered (totally shrieked) back. "I'm not having a panic attack! But I will if you keep screeching like that, you demented howler monkey!"

Finn stopped and blinked again.

Kurt sighed, picking at the headboard's chipped laminate. "Sorry. I'm fine. I just forgot to bring my meds, so I'm not feeling good and I have a headache."

The fingers stopped picking. "And if you tell anyone I will rend you limb from limb. Tell them I'm busy with my moisturizing routine."

Finn felt his chest go cold. Kurt forgot his meds? He flashed back to the panic attack that started it all, and the one about the flagpole, and the one that happened when he was at the top of a human pyramid and Coach Sylvester had to personally drag him down.

Oh no. Kurt was going to freak out. He was going to freak out, and they were hours from home, and Burt was going to kill him, because he should have remembered to pack Kurt's meds.

"I'm. Fine." Kurt growled out. "I'll just be a bitch and a drama queen and kind of emo until we get home." the smaller boy stood up and pushed at Finn until they were both in the doorway of the small hotel room. "Go have fun at the party. I'm going to just lie down and listen to Evanescence" Kurt said, swiftly shoving him the extra few inches into the hallway, and hopping back, closing the door in Finn's face and securing the chain.

Finn stared at the door, wondering what to do. Would Kurt be okay? Should he get help?

...and who the hell was Evanescence?


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt, despite the joke, was not actually listening to Evanescense. He wasn't listening to anything, because right now he'd pick something depressing and the last thing he needed was to start bawling to Defying Gravity.

He hated this feeling. The shakiness, the worry, the need to get up and pace, and crawl under the bed all at the same time (despite the fact that there was probably a dead hooker under there. He knew the urban legend). He hated being scared that if he left the room he would panic and ruin the party.

It wasn't very often that he forgot his medication anymore. Not after the Basement Freakout that started this whole thing up again. Finn, Puck, Carole and his Dad were all annoyingly consistent about reminding him. (The rest of Glee would be too, which is why they didn't know that he was on medication. Well...didn't know what type and how much. He was pretty sure that they knew he was meds-worthy crazy.)

As if reading his mind, the iphone at his hip buzzed. Evening Meds alarm.

"Bitch," he muttered at it,

Karma, he supposed. He shouldn't have been such a bitch to Finn. He'd text him in a minute, and remind his brother that he was fine.

He just hated being treated like glass. Like his illness defined him. He just wanted to be normal, and most of the time he was. There was cheerleading, and glee, video game night with the boys, spa night with the girls. School, a job (sort of, he didn't actually get paid for helping out at the garage). He even had a boyfriend.

And most of the time he was fine, and he was tired of people acting like all he was was Panic Attack Boy. The stereotyped very-special-episode character created to teach the real kids an important lesson on disabilities and acceptance.

Yeah sure, he freaked out. And his friends had to be a little more careful, and Mr. Schue *finally* stopped grabbing him and shoving him around to try and teach him dance moves. But he wasn't a baby.

No one asked Artie if he was okay every 3 seconds. They didn't share concerned looks when they had to go up a set of stairs or crowd around worriedly when they were figuring out how to rearrange some choreography for a wheelchair.

His phone buzzed again, and he dug it out of his pocket. Finn had texted him.

'r u ok'

Kurt growled, and considered not answering...which would probably lead to Finn kicking in the door.

"FINE" he typed out. "Stop Asking!"

He sent the text then turned off his phone, setting it on the side table.

The cold nervous feeling in his stomach grew, blossoming into full blown nausea. Wonderful. Kurt felt like an addict going through withdrawal. Maybe he should just sleep it off.

There had been a small bank of vending machines at the end of the hall, and Puck had laughed because one had condoms and aspirin, saying that ended the 'I have a headache' excuse and winking at Kurt. (Who actually, was kind of glad Mr. Schue had banned them from sharing a room. He didn't want anyone thinking of him and Puck needing either of those things during the trip.)

Maybe the vending machine had Nyquil or something that could help him sleep. Then he'd just have to worry about the bus ride home. Between his earbuds and the book he was supposed to read for English, maybe he could distance himself from the other gleeks. Depending on the cover story Finn used he could even feign still having a headache.

Kurt stuck his head out the door, then eased out into the empty hallway, hurrying down to the vending machines. If he was quick enough, he should be able to make it back to his room with some over the counter relief (and, lets be honest, a chocolate bar) before anyone saw him.

Finn probably still had his key card.

Kurt stopped to think about that. Anyone could come in. Finn might bring Rachel in, or knowing the rest of the club, it would be gleek central if they caught wind that he was feeling mental.

That would not do. Not at all. The chain was going back on the door, with a sticky note on the peephole for Finn to go sleep with Puck and Mike. He'd bribe him with a pizza, and if Puck bitched about sharing his room he'd bribe him with ...something else.

And yeah, maybe he was being a little unreasonable but the last thing he wanted was someone hovering over him, waiting for him to shatter into a million tiny crazy pieces. He felt bad enough as it was.


	3. Chapter 3

Puck was teasing the girls. He enjoyed it, even if Kurt had told them he was off the market. (Santana seemed okay with that, which kind of sucked because he'd pay to see her and Kurt fighting over him. There was a betting pool on who would win.)

He blew up a balloon again, letting the air out slowly in a rude, high pitched squeak that had Brittany laughing and Tina and Rachel both hitting him. "What?" he asked innocently and Santana rolled her eyes. Nothing better than a fart joke to impress the chicks.

Finn walked up to the group, and wrinkled his nose. "Dude, I told you to lay off the bean dip."

Puck punched his arm.

"Everything ready?" Finn asked, looking around. The small space was surprisingly party like on such short notice. Matt and Mike were hanging a last string of balloons as Artie and Mercedes laid out an odd assortment of food and drinks from the convenience store and vending machines.

Even Mr. Schue was there, since technically he had to chaperone them, and keep an eye on the drinks in case Puck tried something. Which, Puck had to admit, he would be tempted to do.

"Yep." Mercedes announced, joining Finn. "Just waiting on you an Kurt. Please tell me he's not fixing his hair or changing his outfit for this?"

Puck knew Kurt liked entrances, but usually he only bothered making them when their was a crowd to notice, and the gleeks were as used to his entrances as Rachel's exists, so they didn't have the kind of impact he was looking for anymore.

"He's...uh..." Finn stalled, and Puck snapped to attention, narrowing his eyes at the taller boy.

"-moisturizing." Finn said. "For his...headache." he nodded, as if that would make the lie less obvious.

"What's wrong?" Artie said, voicing what Puck, and everyone else, was thinking. At this point they had like a kurt-sense when it came to the soprano, and they were all kind of protective.

"Is he having a panic attack?" Rachel asked.

"Did he pack Ballad?" Brittany wanted to know.

Mercedes, Matt and Santana had already whipped out their phones and were texting the missing gleek.

"He...uh.." Finn fidgeted. "Look, he just needs some time to wind down. You know how he is." The lie was a little more convincing this time, and it obviously calmed some of the others. Puck knew better though.

"Finn," Mr Schue was direct. "Is he okay?"

Finn nodded.

"Okay then. Let's just give him some space." The teacher looked pointedly at the cellphones. "We'll see if he wants to come up later okay? Let's just enjoy the party. You've all earned it."

The rest of the group muttered quietly, but soon returned to the party atmosphere, letting Mr. Schue distract them with some type of weird, flailing dance.

Puck continued to stare at Finn, who continued to fidget under his friend's gaze.

"Tell me, Hudson." Puck demanded as the last gleek wandered off. "Or I'll go down there and find out."

"He forgot his meds." Finn admitted, looking relieved to share the secret. "And he's being really...bitchy. He looks kind of shaky." he held out his phone to show Puck the text messages. "He keeps saying he's fine, but we know what that means."

"Shit." Puck swore, taking the phone and dialing Kurt's number. If Kurt was saying he was fine, and trusting Finn to lie for him, then something was wrong.

The other line didn't even ring but went straight through to voice mail. He pulled out his own phone and tried again with the same results.

"Dammit Kurt." He muttered. When Kurt got into a snit he would turn off his phone, to let the other person know they were being actively ignored. Puck was actually surprised his boyfriend's voicemail didn't say "You're an asshole and I'm not talking to you." since that was pretty much the only time Kurt didn't answer his phone. (Except that one time he answered the phone with "You're an asshole and I'm not talking to you, before hanging up.)

"You think we should go down and do something?" Finn asked. "He said he just wanted to lay down and listen to music. I don't think he wants to be around anyone."

Puck scowled. If Kurt wanted to be alone, then barging in would only result in him not getting any because bitch!Kurt totally did not put out. According to Burt, Kurt off his meds was not fun, but he couldn't have missed more than one or two doses by this point. Maybe he really did just need a little while to himself.

"We'll give him 30 minutes." Puck declared. He texted Kurt to relay the time limit. Maybe a warning would get him off the 'no sex' list a few days early. "And I'll distract him with chocolate or sex or something." he smirked. "No one can resist the Puckasaurous."

Finn wrinkled his nose again. "Dude." he complained. Puck just smirked again.


	4. Chapter 4

Kurt was feeling pleasantly stoned, drifting on the edge of unconsciousness. Vending machine nyquil was an amazing thing. He had forgotten the sticky note he was supposed to leave for Finn but couldn't really bring himself to care. His older brother could always call if he needed him.

He had only taken two gelcaps, flushing the rest. (There had been one spectacularly bad flu season where he kept forgetting he had already taken the dose. Luckily it was generic, and not very effective. There was no need to repeat that.) He didn't want to explain why he had nyquil, even if it was over the counter.

So he'd just lay here, and stare at the wall, and wait to tell Finn about the post it note when his brother called. Or couldn't call actually, because he had shut off the phone and it was waaaaaay over on the nightstand and Kurt didn't really feel like moving his arms.

He had to admit though he did feel much better now. That sick rolling feeling had stopped in his stomach, and he no longer felt a huge cloud of impending doom hovering above him, and he could actually sit still.

Very still. It was very Zen, this nyquil. Easier than meditation, which hadn't worked very well when his therapist made him try it. He kept getting distracted or would start wiggling his toes to a song in his head, which she always caught him doing. It was like hypnosis. He was getting sleepy. Verrrrry sleepy. (Now though he would dream he was clucking like a chicken)

He heard a loud knock on his door, followed by the snick of a door key and the clang of the metal chain pulled tight across the gap.

Kurt considered opening the door, or calling out, or lifting his head, but now that he had his silk sleep sack (never, ever, trust the maids to clean the sheets. He had bought it for just this occasion) he was too comfortable to be bothered.

The door rattled a bit, then shut again. Hushed whispers slid in through the cracks, but Kurt tuned them out. Finn had to have seen the note, and he could always call if it was important. he hummed a simple tune to himself, letting it lull him to sleep and thankfully chickenless dreams.


	5. Chapter 5

Finn was actually sort of surprised that the glee club lasted 30 minutes before heading down stairs to drag Kurt out of his funk. Or at least make sure he was okay. Finn was just kind of glad they didn't know that Kurt was feeling bad because of his...thing, and not taking his pills.

It had taken some serious convincing to keep Mercedes and Puck away tfor even 30 minutes (which was totally unfair, since 30 minutes was Puck's idea), and when the time limit was up they led the charge down to his and Kurt's room.

Which was locked. He tried swiping the card key thing, but that only opened the door lock. There was still the chain keeping the door closed. He had tried knocking. Mr Schue had tried knocking, and Puck had tried to kick the door down before the teacher could stop him.

"Why would he lock the door?" Mr Schue asked him, as if Finn ever knew why Kurt did any of the things he did.

Finn shrugged. "He just said he was going to lay down and listen to Evan somebody."

"Evanescence" Brittany supplied, nodding.

Finn blinked. "Yeah. Him"

Tina looked worried. "That's bad, that's like...the stuff sad people listen to when they cut themselves or write embarrassing poetry or something."

Finn frowned. "He doesn't do that though. I mean...sometimes he sings really weird embarrassing songs when he's sad. But he doesn't cut or anything."

"On his meds." Puck muttered, shoving his shoulder against the door. "What does he do when he's not taking his crazy pills?" he asked as Mr. Schue pulled him away from the door again.

"I don't know! He's never been off them before!" It was at that minute that Finn realized he might have said too much. Or too little. As one the gleeks (minus Puck and Schue) turned on him.

They were doing that scary hive mind thing where they all looked at each other silently. It was kind of cool when he was in on it, but not so much now. for a second they just exchanged glances then Mercedes stepped up. "What do you mean 'off his meds'?"

"Uhhh" Finn answered. Mercedes didn't look impressed. "Mr. Schue?" Their teacher knew about the medication, sort of. Finn was more than happy to shift the "telling everyone Kurt's secretly been taking lots of medicine but didn't want to tell you" speech to him.

Mr Schue sighed. "It's not my place." he answered simply. "Mike, can you go ask at the front desk if they have a bolt cutter? Everyone else, please go back to your rooms. I'll talk with Kurt, and I'm sure he'll be sorry he worried all of you."

"Wait..." Artie said, and Mike stopped. "My grandma used to take prozac and if she forgot to take it she'd get really depressed. Like suicidal depressed."

Finn hadn't thought of that. He pushed Puck to the side and tried the door again, rattling the chain and trying to see the bed through the crack.

"What happened to your grandma?" Tina asked.

"Forgot her Prozac and stuck a fork in the toaster." Artie said, miming the actions. "Bzzzt."

"Artie" Mr. Schue said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"She got better" Artie offered helpfully.

"Mr Schue, this is serious. If he was listening to Evanescence, dude's depressed. We need to do something. We don't even know what happens when he skips his medication." Mat added. "What if he's done something bad. Maybe we can like... use Artie as a battering ram or something to break down the door?"

Everyone turned to look at Matt, who just shrugged. (It seemed like the only time he said more than a sentence or two at a time was when it concerned Kurt's medical condition...or football.)

Puck seemed to seriously consider the battering ram option. He banged on the door. "You hear that Kurt. We're going to break down the door if you don't answer us you little bitch."

"He's not going to come out if you yell at him." Mercedes hit Puck.

"He's not going to come out if he's dead." Finn countered, worried.

Finn felt himself being pushed aside, and was surprised to see Santana, armed with a pony tail holder and a youtube video playing on Quinn's phone.

"Hold this." She shoved the phone at Puck and then stuck her hand through the gap in the door, fiddling with something on the other side. "Seriously. Boys are useless."

"Youtube says that if you take a rubber band, and loop it over the chain." She continued. "Puck play it again".

Puck fumbled with the phone, and Santana studied the video carefully.

"Then you loop. ow!" There was a snap of elastic hitting skin. " You loop it over the hannnnndle." The last word stretched out as she obviously acted out what she was saying.

"Close the door again. Swipe the card." She took the card from Finn and swiped it, pushing the handle down sharply. There was a slide a clank, and a pop.

"And you're in." She swung the door opened. The rest of the glee club was impressed.

Then she was nearly trampled by the gleeks as they caught site of Kurt, face down, unmoving, an empty blister pack of pills by his head.

Finn knew he shouldn't have left Kurt alone.


	6. Chapter 6

Puck sat on Finn's bed, glaring at his sleeping boyfriend. Finn had been banished to Mike's room (after Mr. Schue went to sleep and Puck could sneak back in), though Puck knew all the gleeks were upstairs, plotting.

"I'm telling them everything." He said angrily. Kurt just snuffled in his sleep and turned over.

It had been pure chaos for about five minutes, everyone flailing and screaming, and Finn shaking Kurt until Puck thought the smaller boy was going to get whiplash. It was kind of funny.

Puck couldn't do anything but stand in the hall, frozen with terror. Okay, maybe it hadn't been so funny.

Mr. Schue finally saved Kurt from his older brother, and managed to get him awake long enough for the doped up kid to reassure them all that he was in fact, not dying, but was just very, very stupid.

Of course "m'fiiiiiiine" and an arm flail at Schue's head wasn't very reassuring, but eventually they'd managed to work out (after shoving everyone out of the room) that Kurt had just taken a dose of nyquil gel caps and tossed the rest to 'destroy evidence' though he forgot about the fucking huge blister pack that made it look like he overdosed. The toilet water was a weird red color with bits of gelcap floating in it, so that supported Kurt's story.

After promising Kurt a very long talk when he was feeling better, (Kurt had nodded, tipping sideways towards his pillow as he fell asleep again) Mr. Schue had herded everyone back to their rooms, with strict instructions to Finn to let him know if anything changed.

Mr Schue was planning to call Kurt's dad, and Puck was so glad he wasn't in on that conversation. Dude was scary when it came to Kurt.

"I'm going to tell them all about it. After I let them back in and sharpie your face for being an idiot." Puck added.

Kurt opened his eyes, blinked slowly then closed them again, sighing as he burrowed into the pillow.

"Mercedes nearly had a heart attack. And Matt actually said 'Fuck'. You know how impressive that is? You should be lucky everybody was too freaked out to call an ambulance."

"Mmph" Kurt agreed, eyes still closed. His nose wrinkled and he tried to turn away from the light.

"And they're all upset you didn't tell them about your medication."

"ddnwnna" Kurt argued sleepily

"I know you didn't want to." Puck rolled his eyes. "But you can't just do stupid shit like get stoned on nyquil because you didn't have your meds. From now on Me, Finn and Mercedes are all carrying extra doses. And just be glad you're taking the good stuff or your dad would let all of us have some on hand." (Finn had filled Puck in on the conversation. And the fact that Kurt was apparently being grounded when he got home.)

"mmmmmd'd?" Kurt slurred, sounding horrified.

"Of course we called your dad. We thought you tried to kill yourself."

"mmph." Kurt answered grumpily and curled in on himself, yawning.

"You know you can trust us right? I mean..Artie trusts Mike, Matt and me not to drop him when we go up stairs, and we used to roll him in a porta potty. Tina trusted us not to tease her about her stutter, or be mad when we found out why she faked it. Quinn trusted...most of us not to hate her because she got knocked up."

Puck moved over to Kurt's bed, shifting them around until Kurt was lying against his chest, warm and limp.

"mmhmm" Kurt said, urging Puck to continue.

"And I trusted them not to treat me differently when I told them I was gay. Well...gay for you... Not like that's the same as a stutter or gimp legs. And you've trusted us to help you out when you're having a panic attack. So why can't you trust us with knowing about your medication?"

"stpd." Kurt answered, still refusing to open his eyes.

"We already said you were stupid." Puck answered.

"Noooo. Dnt wanna l'k stpd. e'ryone w'rries."

"So you drug yourself for no apparent reason? Sure think someone might worry over that. And considering you *knew* you had a strong reaction to the stuff. And made it look like you took 20."

"Mpph." Kurt burrowed into Puck, effectively ending the conversation by giving one long stretch, a nuzzle to his boyfriend's chest, and then falling asleep.

Puck sighed, smoothing Kurt's hair as he continued to glare. He'd get first shots in the morning, once Kurt was a little less stoned, and then he'd hand him over to the firing squad. He knew they were already deciding which questions to ask. (Of course, only if Kurt felt okay. Burt had told Schue he'd probably be just a little jumpier and "moodier" than normal, but the second day was easier than the first.) He'd even let Mercedes steal him and fuss over him for awhile.

Kurt Hummel would not be a happy camper tomorrow, but Puck would make sure he was okay, (and protect him from his fellow gleeks if he needed to.) The real ass kicking would wait until he was back on his meds.


End file.
